It was summer 2002 when I was in Alicante, Spain sitting alone in a slightly dark, huge, old and dusty house. It was my accomodation, organized by one Spanish friend. Since it was for free, I was very happy I could stay. Besides that, I felt terrible. I was lonely, I had no-one around me I knew or could speak to. I had experienced being the “bad girl” in a group of people I hardly knew only for speaking the truth out loud. In my Spanish beginners course I was put into level 14 and couldn’t change that, thus understood near to nothing. And I was afraid of strange sounds around me all night long.
Never before had I been depressed in my life. If others were, I always wondered, “How do you know you are depressed?” In Alicante I finally understood its meaning.
I was crying for days until I was exhausted. All of a sudden a beautiful photograph in one of the life style magazines laying around caught my attention. The beauty of the women triggered the impulse in me that I have to draw her. Thus, I took a squared paper and a pencil and started drawing. When I finished, I was surprised what I saw – I had drawn her, she was right there on my paper.
Okay, I have to admit that she looks slightly different, but hey, everyone in this world perceives things different, and every artist is free for interpreting it the way she sees it herself. I was delighted upon what I saw, I was absolutely happy.
This very first drawing of mine, after years of not even attempting to draw anything, astonished me. It opened my eyes, negating the statement my school art teacher had thrown at me at the young age of 10: “You have truly a feeling for colors, but you simply cannot draw!” How can anyone in the world say to a child, which has put all its love and energy in painting an authentic construction ground, such a devastating thing? It destroys all creative energy inside the child! It will hardly ever attempt to try again. I was so relieved to figure out my teacher had been completely wrong. I could very well draw, I mean, look at the woman I have brought to paper!
That was the moment I became eternally grateful for the happenings, which lead to being depressed. I understood that I can accomplish anything, if I just allowed it to happen. I just had to try, to simply do it, no matter what I was told. I mean, how could ANYBODY EVER KNOW? The only person that could ever truly know if I can draw or not was I myself.
By the way, my depression was about gone at that very moment, my life had found a new purpose to go on with a big smile on my face and a deep inner wisdom 😉